Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
