I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
