Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
