I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
