Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
