you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
