Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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