Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
