either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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