Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
