I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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