Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
