After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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