Sry I called you an 8
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
