At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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