I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
