Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
