So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
