Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
