if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
