does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
