He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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