look no pants
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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