my mouth tastes like poor choices
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
