I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
