i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
