i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
