I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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