we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
