I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
