Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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