Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
