I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
