so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
