Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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