and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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