I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up under a house in Key West
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
