Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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