There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
