I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
