and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
