Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
