Welp...herpes.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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