so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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