I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
