Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
ttyl tear gas
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I think I just sharted jello shots
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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