Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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