I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
