goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Randomize
