I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
