i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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