I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
