I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
